


Feanaro's Diary

by AliceWasNotDreaming



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Falling In Love, Fluff, Half-Sibling Incest, Humor, Idiots in Love, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious, Rebirth, Valinor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-07-29 02:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16254803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceWasNotDreaming/pseuds/AliceWasNotDreaming
Summary: The life after rebirth from Feanor's perspective, Bridget Jones style





	1. New Year's Resolutions

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I know the names and places of Middle-earth can be quite confusing, especially if you haven't read all the Tolkien books. So I'm including a link to some information I hope you may find useful.
> 
> <3
> 
> Map of Arda :  
> https://i.stack.imgur.com/xDcoq.jpg
> 
> All Middle-earth elves :  
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Middle-earth_Elves

**New Year's Resolutions**

**I will :**

1\. find a new hobby

2\. form a functional relationship with kind, considerate, normal person

3\. be good, caring father

4\. be good, caring grandfather

5\. learn how to bake and sing, as per Maedhros' and Maglor's request

6\. be humble and likeable like Nolofinwe instead of vain, arrogant ass

7\. keep coolly silent and detached even when insulted by bitches, thereby impressing everyone with quiet dignity

8\. spend more time socializing instead of being shut up in forge like a recluse

9\. help family when they're in need, for example help niece Galadriel comfort Celebrian who is still mentally scarred from being attacked by orcs

10\. stop badmouthing the Valar, including Morgoth

11\. stop freaking out about my sons' and grandson's love lives and be supportive and accepting like Nerdanel pretends to be

12\. keep calm at all times, like the mature adult I am, and not throw tantrums like a toddler

13\. invent harmless things like microwave instead of dangerous things that start wars, like too beautiful jewels

14\. stop complaining about Nerdanel's cooking, Celegorm's manners, Finarfin's drunken inner jerk and other things

15\. tidy up house every week and do laundry every three days

16\. find a job


	2. January (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just briefly introduce the background here :  
> Elves, dwarves, hobbits, men, etc. have been reborn in Valinor. There are modern devices like TVs, and modern culture has been adopted. 
> 
> Also, I chose to use only one name for each character cuz it's less confusing that way ;) If I really need to use another name for the characters I will clarify it
> 
> Hope you all like it <3 Don't forget to comment!!! Suggestions are welcome :)

**1 January**

**8.37 a** ** **.**** **m.** ****My house.**** Gaaaahh! Cannot believe it. Is literally the worst New Year I've ever had. Nolofinwe barged into my room and shook me awake. I sit up, planning to beam at him and say 'good morning' cheerfully, as per my New Year's Resolution no 6 : be likeable, but he says before I open my mouth, 'Oh, I didn't know you drool in your sleep, Feanaro.'

 **9.04 a.m.** ** **Finarfin's**** ** ** **house.****** Nolofinwe drives me and Nerdanel to the party Anaire is throwing at Finarfin's house. Feel a bit uncomfortable as is pathetic to show up at a party with ex-wife and the half-brother you loathed. But my house is next to Nolofinwe's and Nerdanel is visiting me, so would be stupid not to go together.

When we arrive at Finarfin's house a few miles away the party's in full swing already. No one greets us when we come in because everyone is watching Daeron and Maglor, my second son, perform a duet. With lots of dancing and stripping.

'It's too early for this,' I grumble as Maglor gyrates his hips to the blaring music. Why did no one tell me my children would be _stripping_? Then would have had a reason to stay away, at least. A perfectly legitimate reason, since Nerdanel is also blanching with an aghast expression beside me.

'It's not like you don't know they're together,' Nolofinwe grinned, looking pleased.

'Nolofinwe,' I say with exasperation, 'it's one thing to know and another thing entirely to see. What will you feel if you see Fingon and Maedhros kissing?' Immediately gag in horror after saying it. Why did I have to think of _that_? _Why?!!_ Now am stuck with terrifying image of not only one son doing inappropriate things, but two. Christ.

Nolofinwe shudders. 'Don't say that. You're ruining my appetite, which is awful, because Finarfin prepared an exquisite buffet. With a hundred dishes that I can't even name.' No surprise, because Finarfin is a show-off. The buffet _does_ look good though. I gaze at the thirty-feet-long banquet table, which is arguably one of the most enticing things in the room.

'I know chocolate souffle,' Nerdanel offers, pointing at a dish. I know she knows since she tried to cook it last month, and the whole family ended up running in and out of the toilet with diarrhea for a week.

Nolofinwe gives her a look. 'That's, like, the _least_ impressive dish here,' he says, eyebrows raised.

Nerdanel says defensively, 'Really, I don't see _why._ I mean, I know many of the dishes here have much more expensive ingredients, like the abalone, but the value of food should be judged by the _effort_ that the chef puts in making it instead of the cost. Just saying something is impressive because it's expensive is so _shallow_. If the dish is prepared with heart it should be valuable!'

'Even if the dish isn't edible?' Nolofinwe says dubiously.

'Yes,' she says firmly.

'What it the dish isn't _eatable_ ,' I mutter.

She levels me with a glare. But before she can scold me Finarfin swoops down upon us.

'My brother! My half-brother! And my half-brother's ex-wife!' he booms. 'Dear Eru, Feanaro, did you come here with these two? Don't you hate them? Oh, is it because you have no one else to go with? No special someone? Hahaha.'

Am completely humiliated by just a few sentences. What I'm afraid will happen has just happened. I glare at Finarfin furiously and say with cold dignity, 'Actually, I am going with them because I live near Nolofinwe and Nerdanel is -'

'Uggghh!!! Awful!!! But I'll introduce you to some nice girls today. Get you laid soon! No worries! Hahaha!' he booms on, disregarding me.

Oh God. Am painfully aware of the crowd around us and the giggles breaking out. Why does he have to mention my love life in front of an entire assembly? It is obvious that _he_ doesn't get laid either, but does he see _me_ rushing forwards and roaring, 'How's _your_ love life, Finarfin? Still having sex with your wife? No?!! Uggghh! Awful!!! But I'll tell you some nice ways to boost your sexiness and enlarge your dick, get you laid soon! No worries! Hahaha!'

I take a deep breath. Resolution no 12 : keep calm at all times, like the mature adult I am, and not throw tantrums like a toddler.

'Thank you, Finarfin,' I say with what I hope is a sweet smile but is probably an ugly grimace that makes me look as if I have toothache. 'You are _so_ helpful.'

Finarfin smirks, patting his elaborate golden robes smugly. 'I have some secret tonics to enlarge your dick,' he whisper-shouts, making sure everyone within a fifty mile radius can hear him. 'I've never used it, of course, but if you need it -'

Anaire, Nolofinwe's ex-wife, sweeps in just as I'm about to drop all pretenses and just explode. 'Finarfin,' she snaps, blue eyes searching Finarfin to see if he is drunk, no doubt, and just as doubtlessly deciding that yes, he is. 'Shouldn't you be overseeing the preparations for the evening?' He gives her a timid look, and she gestures sharply at him. 'Off you go!'

He scuttles off, chastised, because even great lords can behave like children when drunk and facing terrifying divorced ladies. Anaire turns to us, kissing Nerdanel on the cheek briskly and embracing me and Nolofinwe, who looks a little uncomfortable at meeting his own ex-wife. 'How nice to see you. Thought you'd never arrive! Come. I'm introducing you all to some friends of mine.' She gazes pointedly at me.

Great. Even Anaire thinks I need to get laid. Wonder if it's because she thinks Feanorians are less dangerous when in stable relationships. She may have a point - I can count on one hand the days all my children have been in a bad mood ever since they have become sickeningly lovey-dovey with one person or another. Try to ignore lurch in stomach when realize own children have better love lives than I do, because it's completely normal, right? Old people are supposed to be more serene and less hot-blooded. It would be weird, for example, if I thought of my own parents doing something as younglish as shagging. Immediately feel horrified at just having called self _old_ , and just having compared self to parents, who are _ancient._ And have just imagined them having sex.

We trail behind Anaire. Am half terrified she'll pair me off with a sleek, predatory woman with razor sharp nails painted blood red and a tiny dress exposing far too much of her boobs, demand I bring her home, and ask me tomorrow morning aggressively if I shagged them.

Speaking of shagging...

'I do _not_ need a dick-enlarging tonic,' I hiss petulantly to Nerdanel, who just smiles, amused. 'Oh, ignore Finarfin. You know how much of a jerk he can be sometimes, when he's drunk but trying to be nice,' she says.

'Yes. But why would anyone _think_ I need it? Am I really -'

'Your genitals are fine, Feanaro,' Nolofinwe interrupts, lips twitching, side-eyeing the front of my pants. 'Everyone who's seen you naked will testify to it.'

Feel quite gratified and smile at him, even though he was eavesdropping. Nerdanel sniggers like a silly schoolgirl.

'Feanaro,' Anaire's voice booms in my ear suddenly. 'This is Louisa, daughter of Joan and Matthew Gralham. Why don't you grab a drink together?' I blink and stare at the woman in front of me, who is wearing a black mini skirt that covers literally nothing and ten-inch high heels that make her feet wobble alarmingly, and has nails painted blood red like blood. Louisa smiles at me, lipsticked mouth stretched wide, white teeth bared and glistening, a predatory gleam in her eyes as she tosses her long shiny hair over her shoulder in one smooth, sensual movement.

***Alarms blaring***

I look back at Anaire pleadingly, but she just raises her eyebrows and gives me a stoic look. Nolofinwe and Nerdanel stand to one side, pretending not to notice my predicament, because no one dares to cross Anaire. I notice they are both hiding smirks.

I mutter sullenly, 'Hello, I'm -'

'I know who you are, gorgeous,' she cuts in, purring like a cat and linking her arm to mine. Out of the corner of my eye I see Nerdanel, Nolofinwe and Anaire slink away. And they wonder why I never trusted my family. 'Fancy a dance, darling?'

Actually, no. But Anaire will kill me if I say that. 'Yes, of course,' I say graciously.

Truth is, have never been particularly good at socialising with people I don't like. Because my way of dealing with people I don't like is to shout at them or ignore them or be sarcastic jerk with them. Not to try to charm them. What will I talk about with Louisa Gralham? What books she likes??? What brand of underwear she wears???

Am pulled onto the dance floor abruptly and before I know it I'm waltzing with Louisa, my hand on her waist and hers on my shoulder, long sharp nails digging into my skin. She starts purring at me right away, saying ridiculous things like, 'look at that elf over there, he's got a nice ass, oh my God can that be _Alan_ _ _?!__ _'_ and 'ooooohhh, I never knew Mary does _that_ sort of thing but she's obviously wearing a bra that's pushing her breasts up'. I'm not the expert on social customs, but I'm fairly certain it's still considered impolite to comment on a woman's breast size, especially to a stranger. I try not to grimace too obviously as I turn from her to look around at the dancers, only to almost die of embarrassment when realize Celegorm and Dior are dancing beside us, sniggering rudely and giving me sly, pitiless smiles.

'Hey, Ada,' Celegorm greets me with a ruthless grin. 'Having fun trying to get laid?'

Have never been one to hit children just to hurt them but am sorely tempted to smash his nose in right now because am __dying__ of humiliation. Being paired off with someone like I'm an awkward teenager when I'm so old is humiliating enough, but having my children witness it and laugh at me is unbearable. My right hand rises from Louisa's waist and before I know what I'm doing I have flipped him off. Am overcome with remorse afterwards because should definitely _not_ encourage children to do vulgar things like that, and have probably broken resolution no 3 : be good, caring father, but the look of utter shock on Celegorm's face is priceless. Dior, who is probably one of the most handsome male elves to have existed and way too good for Celegorm, laughs and says, 'I can see the family resemblence.' Louisa, who didn't see what I did, keeps craning her neck to look behind her and says, 'What? What is happening? Have I got something on my back? _What is happening?!_ ' I ignore her.

We waltz away from Celegorm and Dior, thankfully, but then I spot Galadriel and Celeborn nearby. Jesus, why do I have so many goddamn relatives? Catch Galadriel's eye and she looks like she's trying not to laugh. She would have glared at me coldly before, but I helped her with her daughter Celebrian once or twice so she has probably warmed to me slightly, and I must look very pitiful right now, because she chooses to nod graciously instead. Right when I'm forced to dip Louisa, and she throws her arm around my shoulders, rubbing a leg against my thigh not-so-accidentally. Galadriel smirks. I turn away in shame. Because my niece is happily married and I am being paired off with Louisa Gralham.

When the song ends I immediately untangle myself from Louisa, who has been mouthing away all the while, most likely bitching about other females. 'Thank you for the dance,' I say, bowing and turning away. She tries to clutch at my arm, pouting, but I dodge quickly with an apologetic smile, murmuring something about the toilet, then turn tail and escape.

I end up next to the banquet table, clutching at the wood and trying to steady myself. Should have known it's a horrible, horrible idea to attend a party with the entire family present. Am starting to realize what a jerk I was when I forced little Caranthir, my fourth son, to attend parties he hated thousands of years ago. Because this is nothing short of torture.

I reach shakily for a piece of vanilla cake that looks quite nice and stuff it into my mouth. Oh. Heavenly. Decide to spend the entirety of the five-hour-long party eating quietly.

Five minutes later my master plan is ruined when Nolofinwe emerges from the crowd and joins me. I take in his disheveled appearance. 'Some woman invited me to dance,' he explains, running his long fingers through his already messy hair. 'The woman spent the whole time saying suggestive things and giving me sex eyes. Wonder how some women can be do nice and others so horrid. Thank heavens Anaire wasn't like that.'

'Oh?' I say, intrigued. 'Well, you would hardly have married her if she was like that, would you?' I blink as something occurs to me. 'Don't tell me it was an arranged marriage?'

Nolofinwe gives me one of his signature looks and I'm ashamed, suddenly, that I seem to have no basic knowledge of my half-brother at all. 'Mother and one of her kinsman reached an agreement years before my birth,' he deadpans.

'I'm glad it turned out well in the end,' I say awkwardly. I usually am quite charming but am still not used to being nice to Nolofinwe.

'Turned out well? Feanaro, you realize Anaire and I are divorced, right?' Nolofinwe huffs.

'I mean you two have always had a peaceful, amiable relationship,' I explain.

'So do you and Nerdanel,' he says, giving me a curious look. And I know he's trying to muster the courage to ask why we broke up.

'Our passion sort of started fading a while after the twins' birth,' I say with a careless shrug, because I actually don't mind sharing this. It's not like it's a painful memory or anything. 'It's been a long time coming. Just, divorce wasn't yet invented back in the old days.'

'Ah,' Nolofinwe replies, fiddling with his sleeve, loose blank hair tumbling over one shoulder to cover half his face. He seems to be at a loss what to say. We lapse into silence. I continue eating, he watches me with those icy blue eyes of his. I wonder if he's going to say something to comfort me, although I don't need comforting, but after a while he just asks, 'Is the roast beef that good? You've eaten half the dish already.'

'Better than Nerdanel's,' I say without thinking. He laughs out loud, because he has been forced to taste Nerdanel's food far too many times after the rebirth. I can't resist smiling back. Somehow it's easy being with him, even after all we've been through.

'So,' I say the first thing that comes to mind, my mouth stuffed full but not caring in the slightest, 'Maedhros and Fingon. My eldest and your eldest. Cousins. Together. What do you think of that?' I cast my eyes around, quite thankful that I haven't seen those two yet, because of all the lovebirds in the family they are just the worst.

'Biologically they aren't related anymore after the rebirth, so I don't really think it's a problem -' he begins.

'I don't mean that,' I say. 'I mean some people are saying it's gross.'

'But they've never seen each other as cousins, yes? They've always seen each other as soul mates, so I suppose for themselves it won't be weird,' he reasons.

'It's still gross for us though, to see them like that,' I point out.

Nolofinwe snorts. 'You're one to talk! You and Nerdanel were gross too when you were newlyweds. Kissing and making out all over the place,' he teases me. There's an odd glint in his eyes.

I open my mouth to ask where Nerdanel is, speaking of her, but we're once again interrupted, this time by Finrod, Finarfin's eldest son and my nephew. 'Uncles!' he shouts happily. He's always been too cheerful. 'So quiet and subdued? Look alive! It's a party! Why aren't you dancing? And socialising?'

Dimly remember one of my resolutions is to socialize more, so I say, 'We will if you introduce us to _decent_ company.'

'Great! There are a lot of decent people here. Have you met the dwarves Fili and Kili? Of the line of Durin? Princes among the dwarves?' Finrod asks eagerly. I perk up immediately because I'm so grateful he isn't introducing me to Louisa-type women, for once, so I say, 'No, but I'd like to.'

'Great! They've got an aunt people are saying is very friendly and quite pretty. And single.' Finrod grins at me.

I gape at him. 'No,' I gasp. Cannot believe it. Cannot fucking believe it. People are finding me so desperate they start pairing me off with _dwarves._ Cannot believe it. Am mortified.

Nolofinwe, who I'm starting to like above all my other family members, including my sons, comes to the rescue. 'Thanks for the offer, but I think Feanaro and I just want to enjoy the food on second thought,' he says smoothly.

'For the next four hours?' Finrod says skeptically.

'Yes,' I interject firmly.

 **5.20** ** **p.m.**** ** ** **Spare****** ** ** ** **bedroom******** ** ** ** ** **in********** ** ** ** ** ** **Finarfin's************ ** ** ** ** ** ** **house.************** I bury my head in my hands. What a fucking awful day. Have learnt one thing - my family thinks I'm so desperately in need of a good shag they're willing to go to ridiculous lengths to 'help' me. Oh God. Am I really that pathetic? It has been a long time since I last got laid but so what? It doesn't mean anything! I'm just not interested in relationships right now because I'm pursuing higher goals in life. Like being a good, caring father and grandfather. And being helpful and kind. I'm above romance, and that is a good thing!

Oh God. Sounds pathetic even to my own ears. I hate my life.

Have a sudden brilliant thought - Nolofinwe is in much of the same situation as I am.

 **5.34 p.m.** Am crushed. Barged into Nerdanel's room, one door down from mine, and asked, 'Why is everyone bothering me and not Nolofinwe? I mean, he and I are both divorced and alone.'

Nerdanel looked at me with pity. 'Actually, Feanaro, I think Nolofinwe gets laid quite often, unlike you. He's been dating on and off for months now, you know.'

Am completely crushed. Am the only person in the whole world to be single and lonely and sex-starved. I hate my life.

 **5.42 p.m.** Right. Am adding one resolution to the list. I will try to get laid at all costs even if I can't form a relationship, just to prove I am not undesirable and am still one of the most attractive elves to ever have existed, instead of a pitiful, old, reclusive sociopath-slash-psychopath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! To clarify, I think there's absolutely no problem with being single, but in this story Feanaro feels lonely and is probably under a lot of pressure from seeing his family so happily married/in relationships, and that's why he's being so dramatic about it all.
> 
> If you are wondering why there are so many allusions to indecent things - it's because it's a party, where many ppl are wildly drunk, and basically it is what Feanaro is thinking of when he sees the ppl. Promise not every chapter is about these things
> 
> Let me know what you think about it :)


	3. January (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Family vibes <3
> 
> Thank you sooo much for kudos and comments

**2** **January**

**10.57** **a.m.** Woke up with a pounding headache. Dimly remember having drunk barrels of dwarvish wine last night to drown out my sorrow. Am paying the price now. Ugggghh. Resist urge to groan as I roll out of bed because is very unmanly to groan and women do not like unmanly men, I think. And I need to get laid as soon as possible.

 **11.18** **a.m.** At the breakfast table, Finarfin keeps shooting me guilty looks because apparently someone just remembered having been exceptionally rude yesterday. To mend things, he leans close to me and whispers, a real whisper this time, 'Feanaro, whatever I said yesterday - don't take it seriously, alright? You don't have to start a relationship if you don't want to.'

It's not alright, because I want to! But I just can't find someone to sleep with that is halfway decent! Am miserable.

Nolofinwe, beside me, shushes Finarfin. 'Feanaro's having a hangover. Shut up.' Glance at him thankfully, even though we both know the hangover isn't the reason Finarfin should shut up.

Nolofinwe sips his coffee. 'So what are you planning to do today? After you head home?' he asks casually.

I shrug, feeling a bit ashamed because unlike Nolofinwe, I don't actually have a job. There's an endless supply of resources in Valinor, so even if I spend my whole life doing nothing except sleep and eat I won't starve, but that isn't to say I'm proud of that.

'I don't know. Watch television?' I say, shame-faced.

Nolofinwe sighs. 'I haven't had time to watch TV in months. Being a doctor is busy work.'

I nod. I know he's working in a clinic. It's such a _Nolofinwe_ thing to do, helping sick people. It's busy, but it's satisfying to earn money on one's own. I turn out some new inventions once in a while if I want to, so I do have income, but compared to Nolofinwe and his fixed work schedule I'm a lazy cow.

'Can I come over?' Nolofinwe asks with a small smile, giving me an hesitant look. Realize with a start he is nervous. 'Do you wanna watch movies together? But it's ok if you wanna be alone -'

'Yes, come over,' I cut in, grateful I won't have to spend another afternoon moping aroind an empty house on my own. He beams at me, looking quite happy at the chance to spend more time with a homicidal madman for some reason. Feel quite happy myself to know I'm still wanted.

Across the table, Nerdanel makes a strangled sound and looks at us strangely. I glance at her. 'What?'

She waves her hand dismissively. 'Nothing, nothing. Go back to eating.' She continues giving me and Nolofinwe strange looks throughout the entire meal, though.

 **2.49 p.m.** **My house.** Feel quite content curled up on sofa with Nolofinwe beside me as we watch a cartoon, Despicable Me. Nolofinwe had laughed when he first heard the name and insisted I buy it. Have a suspicion it's because the name of the movie makes him think of _someone._ Hmm. Childish of him. It's quite good though.

Until I'm suddenly struck with idea that I may end up like Gru - no wife, lots of children, and useless. Oh my God. Oh my God. Start panicking silently because the more I watch, the more I think we are similar.

Nolofinwe notices my queer mood. 'We can change the movie if you don't like it,' he offers.

'No, no, keep it on,' I say morosely because I'm a masochist.

Nolofinwe isn't convinced. He pauses the movie and shifts to face me. 'Feanaro,' he says sternly, 'spill.'

'I'm going to end up like Gru,' I mumble.

Nolofinwe blinks. 'Uhh... why? Are you going bald?' His blue eyes dart up to my scalp.

Hand flies up to hair, horrified. 'No! No! But I'm going to end up alone like Gru. Abandoned. With no love life. Nothing except too many children to look after. No one loves me. No one will love me. Ever. I'll be the weird batty old single uncle kids are terrified of visiting. Forever. Until the end of the world.'

Nolofinwe blinks again, looking at me like I've gone mad. 'Okaaaayyy,' he says dubiously. 'But just so you know, Gru got married with a nice lady in the sequel, actually.'

 **6.10 p.m.** Nolofinwe and I decide to eat out at a fancy place that isn't too fancy.

'Simply Life?' he suggests. 'Not exactly cheap, but we won't have to wear a suit or anything. And I like the pumpkin soup.'

Have no idea what the restaurant is, but say yes because have no other suggestion as knowledge of eateries in Tirion extends as far as McDonald's and Pizza Hut, which I have been living on on the occasions I feel too lazy to cook.

When I tell Nolofinwe that he looks surprised. 'Oh. I thought you would have very high expectations for your food,' he says.

'I do! But my cooking isn't always available, so I must settle for second-best sometimes,' I say hoity-toitily, feeling a bit prideful, because my cooking is much, much better than Nerdanel's when I bother to put on an apron. If I want to I can probably open a restaurant of my own.

'I wouldn't exactly say McDonald's is second best,' Nolofinwe laughs.

'Yes, yes. Finarfin's buffet is second best.'

'Mmm.'

People stare at us as we walk, probably because they're surprised to see the great hero Nolofinwe and the notorious villain Feanaro together, chatting amiably instead of attempting to rip each other's throats out. Can't help but wince at the thought. I don't much mind what people think, but that isn't saying I'm completely, utterly immune to it. I can't see why others are so shocked when I tell them that I actually mind being glared at by strangers everywhere I go.

Nolofinwe reaches out to grip my arm when he notices the stares. 'Ignore them,' he says tightly. His touch is light but firm. I can feel tingles running up my arm from where he's holding me.

'Oh, it's alright. It's already much better than before,' I answer. It's only a half lie. He purses his lips like he's upset but says nothing.

Cannot resist ordering two whole dinner sets at Simply Life despite scary price because am famished and the food is first-class. Nolofinwe sips his iced tea with an amused expression as he watches me wolf down my second serving of spaghetti.

'Really, Feanaro. With how much you like eating, it's a miracle you're not fatter than an elephant,' he teases.

'I work out. Occasionally,' I mumble around a mouthful of food, ignoring the etiquette my father took great pains to teach me. 'Work out' means I walk several streets from my house on the outskirts of town to the grocery store once a fortnight, but there's no need to mention the finer details.

Nolofinwe raises his eyebrows. 'Okay,' he snorts, clearly unimpressed.

 ** **8**** ** ** **.****** ** ** ** **22 p.m.******** We walk home afterwards. (Nolofinwe insists on paying, and I don't argue much because I'm not the one with a steady income.) We live apart from the bustling city centre, right on a small hill on the edge of town, because it's far more peaceful there. From our houses, which are next to each other, we can distantly see the glittering city lights below. I love it.

We sit on Nolofinwe's porch side by side, knees barely touching, staring into the dark. 'It's a bit romantic, isn't it,' he sighs in a quiet, happy way, lifting his head to watch the stars shining overhead.

'Mmm.' I breathe in the cool night air, content, my troubles for once far from my mind.

**3** ****January** **

****5.**** **21 a.m.** Gaaaahh! Woke up disoriented and cold, blinking for a few confusing moments before realising I was sprawled on the floor of Nolofinwe's porch, my host still passed out beside me, snoring lightly.

My back feels stiff as I stand up to stretch. I yawn, looking around me for a lawn chair or a sofa to deposit my sleeping half-brother on because I'm not cruel enough to leave him lying out here on the cold hard floor with no blanket.

Carry Nolofinwe back into his house in the end, careful not to jostle him, and gently dump him on the settee. He shifts but doesn't wake. I stare at his features, so much softer now that those piercing icy blue eyes are out of view, and cannot help but marvel at how nice he looks actually. Have never noticed that Nolofinwe's handsome before. Then immediately jump up and walk away guiltily because i realize I'm acting like a creep.

 **7.24 a.m.** My half-sister Findis rings up and asks what I'm buying for Lalwen's birthday a week away. Which has completely slipped my mind.

'Hello, Feanaro!' she chirps in a voice too loud for this early in the morning. 'Remember? It's Lalwen's birthday on the tenth. I was wondering, what are you buying her this year? I remember you gave her a hunting knife some years back. Quite cool, she liked it a lot. But she'd like us to give her something _girly_ for once, because, you know - she wants to impress her boyfriend by being more feminine, something like that. She always thinks she's a tad too intimidating. Really, anyone who's afraid of Lalwen isn't worthy of her attention anyway, but you know - young girls in love all have stubborn notions. Won't hurt to entertain them. They'll learn in a their own time. Don't you agree? So, what are you buying? I'm thinking maybe a handbag...'

'Wait, wait -' I interrupt, trying to get to grips with the situation. 'Being feminine to impress her boyfriend? Didn't he like her tomboyish?'

'That was three weeks ago, Feanaro,' Findis chides. 'Lalwen's dumped Leo for Michael _ages_ ago.'

'Oh,' I say stupidly, trying to wrap my head around the fact that my sister is running through lovers as fast as a stream runs through stones while I'm sitting at home virginally.

'Yes, _oh,_ ' Findis says sardonically. 'And I suppose you have no idea what to buy her, then?'

'No,' I admit.

'Hmmph. Well, hurry up and decide. Go get Nolofinwe on the phone, will you? He's just next door.'

'He's still sleeping.'

'How do you know?' she asks suspiciously.

'We sort of fell asleep on his porch last night so I carried Nolofinwe to his settee this morning so he can rest -'

'You _WHAAAAAT?!!!_ ' Findis shrieks. I jump in alarm. Before I reply she gasps and continues, muttering under her breath, 'Oh, I see now! No wonder it never works out. Anaire and the rest of us have been thinking about this all wrong... Can't believe it!!! But maybe... hmm...it should work just as well, come to think of it... Perfect.'

Am utterly confused. 'What?'

'Nothing, nothing. I gotta go now. Bye!' She hangs up on me abruptly.

Hmmmm. Suspicious.

 ** **10.50**** ** **a.m**** **.** ** **Shopping**** ** ** **mall.****** I rang up Nerdanel and Glorfindel and after finding out all of us had yet to do any shopping for Lalwen's birthday, we agreed to go together. Am absolutely relieved because Nerdanel is a woman and can definitely manage to find nice, appropriate gifts for other women.

Nolofinwe, who has already got Lalwen a bottle of perfume, asked me curiously as he poured us both a cup of hot chocolate in his kitchen, 'Don't tell me you don't know what gifts to give to women? People were always saying what a charming flirt you were.'

Actually no, my gift-giving skills are abysmal, women only put up with me because of my attractive face and silver tongue. Can still remember that horribly embarrassing time back when I was courting Nerdanel. She gave me a beautiful, meticulously crafted miniature statue of us cuddling as an anniversary present and I gave her a magnifying lens because I genuinely thought it was cool. I still haven't lived it down yet.

Glorfindel is busy admiring clocks in an antique shop when I arrive. 'Amazing! I still haven't fully grasped the concept, you know. It's so funny to count time in hours _._ Even _minutes_ _ _and__ ___seconds___! I mean, what is the point of doing that?!'

'So we can have proof of our friends being late for meetings?' I suggest. For once Nerdanel is the one running late.

Nerdanel rushes up five minutes later. 'Caranthir called me. He was crying. He's still pining after that _someone_ whose identity refuses to reveal, and apparently that jerk broke his heart.'

I gape. First thing, Caranthir _crying_?! I know my children fairly well, and I am sure that my foul-tempered, ever-scowling fourth son is _not_ one for crying. When he is upset he yells at the top of his lungs and throws vases, when he is very, very sad he broods quietly at a corner, and when he is absolutely devastated and on the verge of a mental collapse he cuddles silently with me or Nerdanel or one of his older brothers.

Second, Caranthir _pining_? My son has been in love for several times before, but each time he invariably kickstarts the courtship by loudly, shamelessly declaring his undying love for his object. When Nerdanel named him 'red-faced' I am positive she had explosive fury in mind instead of shyness, because Caranthir is _not_ shy. Caranthir _confesses_ , loudly and conspicuously, he does not _pine._

Last but not least, Caranthir _heartbroken_? Caranthir has a heart, but it's sturdier than most. Unhappy, quite often; heartbroken, never. Not even when I went batshit crazy because of Morgoth and tore the whole family apart had he ever been _heartbroken_.

Am tempted to ask 'Caranthir _who_?'

'But it's alright now, I've managed to calm him down. We're visiting him at six tonight. Remind me to bring pizza, he loves it.'

Feel quite concerned. Mentally conjure up image of hugging Caranthir as he sobs loudly, firmly saying, in wise manner, 'They're not worth it, dear, stay strong and have courage.' Then rushing off to beat up whoever did this to him. Maybe this counts as being good, caring father too...? Or does this just count as interfering with son's love life...? 'You sure we don't need to go now?' I ask Nerdanel.

'The shopping can wait,' Glorfindel confirms.

'No, no, give him time to cool down,' Nerdanel says wisely. 'It'll be worse if we crowd him. Trust me. Love makes time pass, time makes love pass. He'll be alright sooner or later.'

'He will?' I ask skeptically. Elves don't exactly have a record of dealing with rejection well.

'Yes, of course. I got over you, didn't I?'

Hmm. Am pretty sure Nerdanel has never actually loved me in _that_ way, so shouldn't it be different? Ah, nevermind. She's probably better at relationships than I am.

We start shopping. Nerdanel declares that we will do it 'strategically'. As she plans to lead us to shop for birthday presents for everyone all at once, we will need to map out in head what to buy for each person first, then start from ground floor of the department stall, visiting each department in order.

Is a brilliant idea. The family is so big that even if I buy the same pair of high heels for Galadriel and Arwen and Aredhel, and the same watch for Nolofinwe and Finrod and Maeglin, the odds are no one will notice. Will reduce future shopping time in the year to minimum. Hurrah!! Nerdanel is a genius.

Ten minutes later discover it's a horrible idea as Nerdanel refuses to let me buy same present for everybody. So now have to figure out what to buy a hundred people all at once. Is torture.

After scrambling in the food department for what feels like an hour, trying to find something suitable for Celeborn (Nerdanel rejected my suggestions of lemon biscuits, potato chips, pack of Coca Cola... respectively), I say with finality, 'I'm buying this bottle of red wine.'

'Okay. Fine. One down, a lot more to go for you,' she says cheerfully, sweeping a box of beautifully wrapped milk chocolates into her trolley, which is already piled high like a small mountain. Look down at own empty trolley and resist urge to scream. Instead put down precious bottle of wine gently and walk after Nerdanel to the next department.

 ** ** **3.21****** ** ** **p.m.****** Hurrah!!!!! After four hours, have successfully bought nice presents for every single person in family! Am exhausted. So is Nerdanel. But Glorfindel, we discover, is a shopaholic, and though he has bought twice the number of things as Nerdanel and I, he seems fairly disappointed we are leaving.

End up buying dresses, skirts, blouses, high-heels, jackets, expensive jeans, hats, scarves, etc of all colours and brands randomly for every female in family; and books, wine, watches, shampoo, cutlery, suits, DVDs, etc for males. Except Nolofinwe - am going to craft him a necklace or something later. And Nerdanel too, because as ex-wife and current best friend she deserves special treatment. Don't bother with Glorfindel, though, just bought him a cuckoo clock, because he's infatuated with them. One problem, though - house will be completely cluttered when goods are delivered. And money is running dangerously low.

We have lunch/tea at Oliver's Super Sandwiches. Stuff a spoonful of potatoes into mouth as I contemplate what to do with Caranthir. Maybe I should buy him a box of chocolates? Like the time when we were young and Fingon the eight-year-old broke his leg, and Nolofinwe buried him in sweets? Or flowers? No, that only works when wooing women, I think. Am gonna ask Nerdanel.

'Oh, yes. Chocolates are very good when you wanna comfort people. I've already bought them, actually,' she says, patting a small bag at her side. Ohhh. The box of milk chocolates she put into her trolley...?

Hmmph. Wish I had thought of it sooner. Now have nothing to give Caranthir and will seem like uncaring, cold-hearted father when in fact am _very_ concerned.

 **5.** ** **4**** **7 p.m. My** ** **sons'**** ** ** **house****** ** ** ** **(s)******** ** ** **.****** We filed into Nerdanel's car and drove to Caranthir's house. Or rather my sons' houses, because they occupy three houses next to each other, like me and Nolofinwe. We arrive to find Maedhros, my eldest son, and Fingon, my nephew, sitting on the porch, their heads together, chatting quietly with worried expressions.

We trip across the front yard, hauling numerous bags with pizza and other gifts inside. When they see us they hastily spring apart and run down to meet us, like teens caught doing something they shouldn't be doing.

'Hello, Ada, Naneth, Glorfindel,' Maedhros greets a bit sheepishly when he reaches us. Fingon reaches out to relieve Nerdanel of some of her bags. 'What's all this?' he asks curiously.

'Comfort food for Caranthir, mostly,' I say. 'How is he?'

'Uh - we don't know. He locked himself in his room and refused to come out and talk,' Fingon says with a frown. 'Refused to even cuddle.'

'Oh. That's bad. But Nerdanel will handle it!' I say, turning to my ex-wife. 'Right?'

Nerdanel wipes her hands on her jeans. 'Yes, yes,' she says professionally, in manner of pop dancer about to leap into her first pose. 'But it's been a long time since I've done this. Might be a bit rusty.'

We deposit the food on the kitchen table and hurry up the stairs to the fourth/top floor, where Caranthir's room is. Maglor and the twins are standing outside his door, knocking and cooing at their brother in turns, while Curufin stands with his arms crossed outside his own bedroom.

'He won't come out,' Amras - or Amrod? - whispers, after they hug us in greeting.

'He's been holed up in there for hours,' Curufin adds.

Glorfindel strides up to the door. 'Caranthir! Open the door, your mother's here to see you!' he shouts.

'Am I supposed to think you're my mother now, Glorfindel?' a muddled voice snaps behind the door.

'No, no, sweetie, I'm really here,' Nerdanel calls out. 'Come give Mother a hug.'

 **6.49** **p.m.** Nerdanel emerges with Caranthir, who is red-eyed, an hour later. All of us spring into action, heating up the pizza, passing the chocolates or rushing up to hug Caranthir. None of us ask what happened.

'Are you alright, Caranthir?' I ask lamely after I give him a hug.

'Yeah. Thanks, Ada,' he says in a subdued voice, wiping at his eyes. Alarmed to see he looks like he's about to cry again and stuff tissue and chocolates into his hands, cooing and rambling, stupidly patting his back and giving him more hugs. Have never excelled at parenting. 'I'm fine,' he insists, putting the chocolates into his mouth. 'It's stupid. It's nothing.'

We (Glorfindel, Fingon, Daeron, Dior, me, Nerdanel, seven sons) end up gorging on pizza, chocolates and ice-cream, then cuddle beside Caranthir on sofa and watch Disney cartoons on TV. Caranthir falls asleep after a while. Mmm. Feel very cosy. Am part of a big, happy family. Is worth it, even if have to buy insane number of gifts every year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although I know quite a few ppl out there ship Caranthir/Haleth, the heartbreaker in this fic isn't her sorrryyy!!! (ノДＴ)
> 
> P.s. I think single Gru with 3 children is adorable ♡ love despicable me and minions lol


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